"You look ok......you look Normal"
I hear it all the time....I look normal...I still have my hair (well the hair you can see)...so therefore I must be ok. Even harder because I don't look like the typical "Normal" cancer victim. Do I feel normal, nope..does my body feel normal...nope...are my thoughts normal..nope (well some would say always!!).
Almost 4 weeks have passed since my last treatment (treatments, sounds like a spa I went to) some things are back to "normal". I can eat most things now (yes i gained some weight back...maybe some side affects of cancer I could tolerate...WEIGHT LOSS).. my energy level still isn't the same and my body still hurts where it didnt' hurt before. I walk like an ol' woman.....If I sit too long my hips ache...I know...I know...Whine...Bitch....Moan...
Now I have several friends who keep telling me "you're getting old"..."its your age"...granted I might have aged because of the cancer stuff going on but come on..not this much. If so...I will stay 40 forever young. (40 is the new 20 right?)
"Normal" I wonder if I ever will be normal...NOPE...probably not (again several of you saying...SHE never was). I will never be the person I was back in March before I found out I had cancer. My thoughts are different, everything is different now...how I view myself, my family and friends.... my life has changed PERIOD.
Finally I told... well yelled (see some normal left) at my husband partway thru this journey..."I am hurting"......"I'm in pain"..."I need help". Now those are words that I don't speak out loud that much. Heck last time I spoke..well yelled them was when I was in labor probably (with my son..right Wizzy)... Ladies we all know how truthful those words are.
I'm still married (we're still newlyweds) and yes... this does make your marriage show really what it is...that you have to work at being together and staying sane (again friends...yes I think I was sane at one time). There has been some struggles. Walking thru while one of you is being taken care of and the other person becoming the caretaker. My Mom (God Bless Her) came out to stay with me. If it hadn't been for her, Dennis really would have had more struggles. My mom stepped up and really helped...that right there is family and a woman worthy of the name "MOM" (sounded kinda of like a Hallmark moment...everyone say AWE).
"Normal" for me is going to Doctor appointments every 3 months for a year. Part of those months will be to three different doctors. Then after a year has gone it will be every 6 months with two different doctors for four years. Then yearly for the rest of my normal life...well what normal is now.
"Normal" right now is trying to get myself halfway back to where I was six months ago. Seeing what friends still want to be around with someone who has the word "CANCER" tattooed on her. (I actually do have 4 tattoos right now..sorry nothing fun..just the little black dots for radiation).
"Normal" is knowing that death is alot closer than you realize. Normal is being in pain and no one really knowing how bad it is. Normal is looking at your kids who are wanting to be adults and the part of you wanting them close because you don't know how long you really have. Normal is dealing with the fact you still have your everyday life to live. Normal is wanting more because you want the best of what is left of your "Normal" life.
So now I have started my "Life after Normal".
