Thinking

You know they say it will get you in trouble.  Tomorrow I start treatments.  Part of me knows this will change everything, cancer (I refuse to put a capital for the c...it will never be that strong in my life) already has changed alot about me.  How I view alot of things and judge what is going on...yes, more so than before.

I wish that I could see the future or predict the end of the world (ok, that was funny or even funnier I'm still here?!?!?), but again I'm only human.  Right now I have no patience for anything really.  My brain is overloaded with all the information I've been given and what I have somewhat learned about this disease.  Yes, some fear there and how it will change my physically, emotional and spiritually.

Thinking that I have to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  My husband Dennis always says that I think too much...one of us has to. Everyone is so keen on telling me it will be ok, but having the cancer be as advanced as it was isn't the way it was suppose to be either.  So in someways its hard sometimes to know and accept that I will be ok.

I know the treatments have the chance of making me very tired and where they put the radiation will have this wonderful sunburn....great!not even a tan out of the deal back to the fake tan.  But I will lose hair (yes, its in the one area no one will see but...no costly laser treatments for me!)..slight chance of losing hair on my head and nausea.  Thinking I work my pity party for all its worth...heck I got people who say they will clean my house..make dinner...thinking life might be good for awhile.

Now the even more ironic part of the deal....I was told not to lose OR gain weight...REALLY...ARE THEY KIDDING...so no pressure.  I am one of those people when stressed I lose weight.  The one time in my life I have to stay where I am.  God does have a sense of humor.

So...if the following posts for awhile get a bit cranky...crass or downright bitchy...thinking you may have to just say a prayer and keep reading.  I want to be able to say how it is and why.  If you know me personally you know I don't hold back.  Life is way to short to keep to yourself the truth.  The whole truth and nothing but the truth! What do you think?

Markers

There seems to be many markers we have in our lifetime...turning 13!!!...now you're a teenager.  16..getting a license and bugging your parents to drive a car...any car!  18..You're an adult, well age wise.  (my definition of an adult to my kids was when you paid rent/mortgage, that's how they knew an adult was present...ie:.."WILL there be an adult at the house you're going to?!?").  And voting, yes! you can make a difference!

21!!! woo hoo...you are legal to drink (I do love wine!).  And hopefully the other markers of marriage, births, and graduations follow!

My newest marker, Elijah, my son, ...GRADUATED high school!!!  Those who are close know the struggle both he and I had with getting him thru.  And to all the teachers and especially his counselor, I am sure are glad that he made it.  He's a great son and on his way to becoming an even better adult in this world.  He started working at 16 so he could buy his own vehicles (that was one of my rules..I am a mean mother and I'm sure you noticed the plural...he had many he tried to bring back to life).  But he was determined to drive..school...well something to do to take up time before he went to work.  Sometimes he worked more than 30 hours in a week.  But as for school...it was a struggle...but he was determined to graduate, his grandma had flown out from California to see him, he knew he needed to get "the job done".  I am very proud..and yes RELIEVED!

But now I have another marker in my life or shall I say markers...I have 4 now placed on my body.  I called them tattoos, but come to find out they are called markers.  Its used to line up the radiation equipment or whatever you want to call them.  I will start on Monday and have 30 treatments.  So I am now all "tatted" up.  They are very tiny, so kinda of disappointing.  Heck I wanted a TATTOO...something to say...I'm heading for an adventure another marker to add to my list!

Stages...

The first of many stages in my life that start in always an interesting way.   A few weeks ago when someone asked where I was in life..it would be excited to see both of my children graduating from College & High School...but now I get to go thru something I never thought would enter my world, Stage 1A2...what stage I am for cancer..use to say someday I wanted to be a stage but that wasn't quite what I meant.

I really only wanted to deal with the empty nest..which I am quite ready for...granted part of me is sad I won't see them everyday, hear about their lives and evidently become just a small part of it. But the other part was excited to see what this new stage would bring.

Yesterday my daughter graduated from UMKC!! Degree in English and with honors.  It was a great day for her and for me as a parent of a daughter who does bring me such joy and laughter!  I still can't believe I am old enough to have a daughter who is 22!  A new stage for her and an exit for me.  She no longer needs me as much and I don't want her to, she's a very smart woman and even funnier one!  Heck I taught her all there is about wine, she can't be all bad.

The next upcoming stage is my son graduating from high school...18 and ready for the world.  He is definitely ready for high school to be done.  That boy knows no fear, never has.  Likes to try new things and can fix almost anything with an engine (tells me he likes the challenge). I can't tell you how many beaters (trucks) that have crossed our driveway.  Unlike my daughter who has ventured out on her own, my son has figured out he doesn't like paying rent and hopes to live with us for awhile....another story on that later.

I know we all walk thru stages in our life,but now some have different slants for me.  Seeing my daughter Elizabeth walking across that stage enrobed in her cap and gown with the medal she received for being cum laude around her neck.  Then standing there and seeing that diploma placed in her hands which gives her the keys to learn and see more of the world.  Your heart just leaps to know that you have helped create a woman who will walk thru life determined to get what she wants and achieve what her heart wants. It really makes this mother very proud of what my daughter has achieved and even more excited to see the future unfold for her.  And my son, Elijah towering over my 5'2" frame bending down to give me a hug before leaving or saying I love you before going to bed (yes, he'll probably kill me for saying that) warms my heart.  Seeing him trying to figure out which road to take for his future...and praying he makes the right one but knowing its ok that there is turns in that road.  In all of this, I know I have done my best for them.  And still would give my last breath for them to make it in this world and be what they have been called to be.

Now back to the stage on what I stand right now...Stage 1A2..better than stage 4 of which I am grateful...I'm still in shock at time on the variety of stages that I have been thru since finding my cancer ...called and being told I have a few cancer cells and need to see a specialist...next...going in for surgery to have my cervix removed and then called again (starting to hate calls late in the day) told you need radiation (of which I start the beginning process on Wednesday).  Now center stage...dealing with that fact that I had an actual tumor and now praying it hasn't spread....makes me want to yell....EXIT STAGE LEFT!!!

Disclaimers & Goals

Disclaimers... I have no medical or legal background.  Everything will be from my experience and what I've learned.  When I speak about my doctors they won't be named (Unless I've asked their permission).  I plan on asking questions and seek answers and share them in this blog.  I still have several questions that haven't been answered because either I can't find information or some are not able to be answered.

Goals...I hope to someday look back and see MAYBE that I started something that will help someone with what I've gone thru and make it easier to obtain the info and make their walk easier.  Would I like to see something like the other female cancer has??  Yes...that would be great...but even better for there to be no need because a cure has solved this wonderful walk and prevention/education has been proved to end it. 

The first of many posts I'm sure

I guess in starting this blog I wanted to hopefully help someone else out there....I was told a month ago that I have cancer...well 2 days shy of a month.  Started off simple procedure..remove the polyp..then continued to cancer cells (Dr calls to tell me that I have cells not pre-cancerous but cells)...then removal of cervix to be told that I have a..TUMOR...now onto radiation.

I have CERVICAL cancer...there I said it for the world to see....seems to be an upsetting word.  Some when I tell them what I have whisper it back to me...others cringe in fear or maybe its disgust...some are truly
empathetic for me...and the few truly want to help.  There is friends who have asked what I need from going to appointments with me to cleaning my house...heck might fake true tiredness so I can have a clean house (joking). 

I have no historical background in my family of cancer on either side....and now I am told at 46 that I have cancer...the word we all dread...and getting ready for radiation.

I am blessed with a great network of family and friends.  But from what I understand this will be a test of exactly how much they can hang with a woman who will now soon go thru menopause and radiation.  Like my husband said...(this is in humor) "great, she'll be crazy & cranky!"  Guess that means I will have all 3 Cs...crazy, cranky & cancer...

I have tried different areas to find information and its hard to find.  Considering the statistics of what I have I thought there would be more out there...but alas no...or this blonde doesn't know where to look.

I will continue this adventure online to see where it takes me...and take those who wish thru the stages.

I have a husband who stands by me and hopefully will stay there...even though I heard this can break a marriage up...two kids, girl (22) graduating college tomorrow!!! and a boy (18) graduating high school the following weekend!!

I have a few friends who will hopefully help me get thru this radiation also...going for 5 weeks, 5 days a week for 15 minutes a day...sounds simple til you read the results radiation can cause.  My mom is trying to figure out what she can do to be with me...she lives in California!!

There is fear...there is strength...from what I am told...a tough ol' broad...