Giving

Hi Everyone...Been awhile since I've updated but I have a challenge for the New Year....12 days of Giving in 2012....see...12 days...2012...


Dennis and I volunteered at the Hope Lodge a week before Christmas.  We provided the ham and a craft.  They were so excited for us to be there...(been awhile since someone was that excited about us showing up anywhere)...gracious was one word that comes to mind.  They were very gracious and thanking us the whole time we were there.  And it didn't seem like we did that much.  


The guests provided all the side dishes and we provided the meat.  I put together Christmas ornaments for them to make and they loved it.  Even got some of the guys to make some. Dennis suggested that maybe next time get some of the guys to play cards or something while we gals make crafts (not that he's being biased or anything).


NOW...here is the big gift I would love from my family and friends.  I have the greatest family & friends (buttering you up!) 


12 days of Giving!  That doesn't mean all in the same month but in the year.  Really...only 12 days is not that much...not even 2 weeks of your time.  These dates will be during the week (that is when most of the guests are at the Lodge)


I would love all my family and friends to help (I see bonding happening)... help those who have gone thru the same thing I did (some of them even more extensive).  I didn't ask for help back then but I'm asking for help now!


I would like to give that 12 days of Giving to Hope Lodge.  I plan on one day a month going to provide a meal (even if its parts of a meal) and a game and/or craft.  ITS ONE DAY.


You can help in a variety of ways...giving of time, craft/cleaning/cooking items, food or money...OR all of them.


Dennis and I have already thought of various themes for each month that we're hoping we can do....and maybe you can think of something fun for each month.  Here are some of our ideas...Halfway to Thanksgiving in May...Opening Day at the K (Royals baseball stadium) in April...Souperbowl party....


Again..helping us to help them....even if you can only do one day this year....its helping someone!



Here is the link to the Hope Lodge.  http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/SupportProgramsServices/HopeLodge/KansasCity/index


If you're not in the Kansas City area...please go to a Hope Lodge in your area and help them!  

Treatments

Sorry this won't be about what fabo spa treatments are out there.  What mud works the best for those wrinkles...what scrub gets rid of cellulite...These will be dealing with what one is going thru during radiation.

My treatments were over 30.  15 minutes Monday thru Friday.  Doesn't seem like long but let me tell ya...laying there for that amount of time...you THINK alot about what is going on in your life, around you and in your head (yes, there is activity in there).

My journey on this new adventure first started with a trip to the Radiation Oncologist.  This poor guy first got a dose of what I was about when bringing my husband...mom...daughter and friends sometimes along for appointments.  Don't think he knew what hit him...we laughed alot...WHICH is a great thing during this time.

My procedure was pretty simple...FIRST...tattoos!!! woo hoo..thinking little hearts...stars...butterflies...NOPE...dots...DOTS...all I got was dots....4 simple dots that the machines would use to line up with.

Next...scans...again lining up various parts of the body to zone in on the area of invasion...NOW...I don't think this many people have seen this much of my lower region since I was pregnant....

Now to start the treatments...you go into a room with this HUGE machine...drop your pants...(the last time someone asked me that I slapped them...or did I marry them?)...lay on the table and hold this donut (a blue ring which helps you keep your arms still). 

Then the table is raised up about 6 to 8 ft....I kinda of wanted to hear the opening music to an Elvis concert...(That would have been so cool!!!).  Then it starts the machine up....and arms and variety of parts moving around you and you hear the BEEP...that is the radiation being aimed at the parts of invasion.

My radiation techs were WONDERFUL...I even took them in some cheese (hubby works for a cheese company).  They said I was a great patient...NO COMPLAINING (hear that mother).  Saw my dr once a week.

The first few weeks were fine...didn't have any of the symptoms that everyone talks about...then BAM...diarrhea...HIPS killing me and then hair loss...slight mullet.  Then slowly the skin burning.  I got advice from everywhere on how to handle all of this. (WHICH I can't thank everyone enough for and if I haven't...THANK YOU!)

The last two weeks were the hardest...by this time my energy level was nowhere to be found and my thought process was terrible (more blond moments then a hairdresser could shake a color wand at).  Hurt when the radiation was aimed...like being under a magnifying glass (now I know how those ants feel)

Now here I am almost 3 months out...hips still hurt (seeing dr on that one) and some other slight issues.  I get to see doctors every 3 months for awhile...then every six months then every year.  For someone who really didn't want drama..to me this is drama.

BUT today I was walking outside and the weather is gorgeous..55 degrees on a crisp fall morning (MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR, why I got married in Oct)....leaves are starting to change and so have I....Remembering past times with my grandparents (who both loved fishing).  My grandfather who passed away several years ago loved fishing and for some reason I can remember him one time with weather like this stating "Makes you feel glad to be alive".

Isn't that a wonderful statement!!  That it is worth being alive to just take that deep breath in... and enjoy life and what it brings.  Take time to really appreciate those around me....reminding them to breath in deep...ENJOY life's treatments!

"Normal"

"You look ok......you look Normal"

I hear it all the time....I look normal...I still have my hair (well the hair you can see)...so therefore I must be ok.  Even harder because I don't look like the typical "Normal" cancer victim. Do I feel normal, nope..does my body feel normal...nope...are my thoughts normal..nope (well some would say always!!).

Almost 4 weeks have passed since my last treatment (treatments, sounds like a spa I went to) some things are back to "normal".  I can eat most things now (yes i gained some weight back...maybe some side affects of cancer I could tolerate...WEIGHT LOSS).. my energy level still isn't the same and my body still hurts where it didnt' hurt before.  I walk like an ol' woman.....If I sit too long my hips ache...I know...I know...Whine...Bitch....Moan...

Now I have several friends who keep telling me "you're getting old"..."its your age"...granted I might have aged because of the cancer stuff going on but come on..not this much.  If so...I will stay 40 forever young. (40 is the new 20 right?)

"Normal" I wonder if I ever will be normal...NOPE...probably not (again several of you saying...SHE never was).  I will never be the person I was back in March before I found out I had cancer.  My thoughts are different, everything is different now...how I view myself, my family and friends.... my life has changed PERIOD.

Finally I told... well yelled (see some normal left) at my husband partway thru this journey..."I am hurting"......"I'm in pain"..."I need help".  Now those are words that I don't speak out loud that much.  Heck last time I spoke..well yelled them was when I was in labor probably (with my son..right Wizzy)... Ladies we all know how truthful those words are.

I'm still married (we're still newlyweds) and yes... this does make your marriage show really what it is...that you have to work at being together and staying sane (again friends...yes I think I was sane at one time).  There has been some struggles.  Walking thru while one of you is being taken care of and the other person becoming the caretaker.  My Mom (God Bless Her) came out to stay with me.  If it hadn't been for her, Dennis really would have had more struggles.  My mom stepped up and really helped...that right there is family and a woman worthy of the name "MOM" (sounded kinda of like a Hallmark moment...everyone say AWE).

"Normal" for me is going to Doctor appointments every 3 months for a year.  Part of those months will be to three different doctors.  Then after a year has gone it will be every 6 months with two different doctors for four years.  Then yearly for the rest of my normal life...well what normal is now.

"Normal" right now is trying to get myself halfway back to where I was six months ago.  Seeing what friends still want to be around with someone who has the word "CANCER" tattooed on her. (I actually do have 4 tattoos right now..sorry nothing fun..just the little black dots for radiation).

"Normal" is knowing that death is alot closer than you realize.  Normal is being in pain and no one really knowing how bad it is.  Normal is looking at your kids who are wanting to be adults and the part of you wanting them close because you don't know how long you really have.  Normal is dealing with the fact you still have your everyday life to live.  Normal is wanting more because you want the best of what is left of your "Normal" life.

So now I have started my "Life after Normal". 

Frustrated!!!

Now having completed my 4th week of radiation...people I think assume certain things about me...She must be ok because she looks ok right?....looks can be deceiving.  And must apologize, this is almost a book I have written this time.

Dennis and I went to an American Cancer Society function two Saturdays ago benefiting Hope Lodge in Kansas City and had a great time, but yet I was frustrated.  A gentleman got onstage to discuss Hope Lodge and what it meant to him.  Dennis and I were in the back of the arena watching not only him but others.

This gentleman talked about what Hope Lodge was and how he had to stay there while in treatment in Boston.  He talked about leaving his family, job and support system.  That he had to find a place to stay and go thru treatments alone because family couldn't be there with him.  He spoke on what he thought being by himself in the hotel room ALONE would be like.  I couldn't imagine not having anyone there to say...."I am here for you"..."I am so mad at this cancer for doing this to you!"...or just hold your hand.

But a prayer was answered...Hope Lodge stepped in and told him that there is a Hope Lodge in Boston he could stay at...he didn't have to worry about paying for it...His transportation, food and lodging taken care of...and an even bigger benefit there for him...being around others who are going thru the same thing. 

He was able to vent and share what he was going thru while treatment was going on. Someone to say, we're here for you.  HE WAS NOT ALONE.  He was able to focus on getting thru treatment and venting his frustrations with others.  Someone cooking for him, probably when he barely had the energy to breath.  Someone to pat him on the back to say..."you will get thru this".

This gentleman showed us a small sliver of his heart so we can see what Hope Lodge meant to him and others...now as he talked over what he walked thru, I watched others who were not even listening and going on with their lives and not realizing IT can happen to them in the blink of an eye.  And I realized with much frustration,  I've been both the man on stage and the ones in the audience not paying attention....going on about my life and not listening and dare I say...not caring?!?!

Hope Lodge is funded by donations and there is one in Kansas City.  One day after I'm done with my treatments,  I hope to be one of those volunteers cooking and caring for someone going thru what I went thru.  Hope Lodges are all over the country, so if you can't give money...give your time.  Someone seeing a friendly face or hearing words of caring means much more than money can ever buy.  Take it from me...words and actions make the difference.

After all that I had a talk with hubby...I am tired...in pain...and frustrated.   And I promised to take you all along with me.. So come take my hand and go with me to the land of radiation treatments....sorry too tired to skip or whistle......

Tired...radiation makes you tired.  A tired where you sleep and it doesn't ease up...laying down and doing nothing..I'm still TIRED. Getting tired by just going to the grocery store.  Tired by doing laundry...tired just going about my normal day.  Do I show I am tired?  NO WAY!...we are told not to show others what we're feeling.   After all, this gal is made of strong stock..born in Texas..raised in California and by a midwestern mother...you don't show how you feel, you just keep going...get'er done!

Pain...my hips and back hurt constantly.  The radiation is aimed at three spots..hips, backside and pelvis.  Hits two spots twice...I have a total of 8 minutes of radiation and can't even imagine those going thru it longer and with chemo.  The Dr says the pain in my hips is unusual (he doesn't know me that well) seems mainly men who have radiation from prostrate get this pain.  Dennis says as long as testicles don't drop he's good. And then I have cramps from the radiation hitting my lower end (both sides while not being graphic) at times brings me to my knees and has changed my restroom habits tremendously.  Had to even change my diet...on the fat girl program.  Eat white bread...white potatoes...white rice..No fiber...no fried foods...not alot of fruits or veggies...HELLO...can I get off this ride now?

Frustration...Hell yes...I'm tired and in pain.   Heck I would do alot in one day...not right now....this is not me..WHO is this?  Where did this person come from...Frustrated because my whole life has changed and I didn't get a say in how's it changing.  Who called for a vote for this...NOT ME!!! I don't recall this being an election year.  I want a recount!!!

Frustrated that my body is doing this to me...its rebelling against me.  I need help but HATE asking for it...but yet I want hubby to help without me asking for it...poor guy.  Knowing that I have 3 more weeks of this has made me feel frustrated.  I can't end treatments just because I'm feeling this way...you have to keep going.  This isn't the flu...doesn't stop in a couple of days.  There is light at the end of the tunnel...but its dim right now...or is it a a TRAIN!!!

Frustration because the human part of me needs to know people are out there for me..and then I feel selfish because of that need.  But yet I need to know they are there for me to keep going on this track.  Because knowing people are praying and cheering for you really does mean alot (yes, I can say that now...another fear conquered). Tells me that I'm not alone, but also shows me that you are there with me.  And funny thing we need this for the spiritual side of us... but all of this said and the fact that I still need this...leads me to frustration.

People assume I am ok because they don't see the outward signs of it. Yes, I assumed I would get out of this without any side effects.  Alot of assumptions as you can tell.  Dennis assumed I was handling it ok, because I looked ok and didn't voice everything I was feeling or even clue him into the fact that I'm tired...in pain and I NEED HELP...but we all know how assumptions work!!!

In the past I assumed alot of things.  That people should act differently for certain illnesses and situations. Because after all I would act that way why aren't they acting the way I would?

NO MORE...I will from this point forward (and always try to remember, hopefully) when someone is going thru anything I will ask how they are and can I help(and mean it!)....better to have asked "how is it going?" and be prepared to help, cheer as needed or even being the outlet of frustration.....cause if you don't ask.....that person will assume you don't care...or at least this gal assumes that.

I think of all the people in my life who I know have gone thru a variety of things and I never stopped to ask, send an email or even text to say..."HOW ARE YOU DOING?" "DO you need any help?"  And step in if its needed (think some of us have a fear that if we ask, we won't know how to respond or what if we say the wrong thing?....Another fear to conquer?).

Granted we're all busy (I've been one of those...busy with my life) Maybe it was fear on my part back then or even rejection or maybe I might get what they have?  Who knows?!?!  But in the end, it will be that friend who by sending that simple text..."Hey, thinking about you today"  "Hope you're doing ok!!!"  Might change how they are dealing with their frustrations and give them that extra boost to get thru that very minute of frustration and actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and not the train.

Fear

Started this post several times and now put that fear to rest.

Fear has come in and out of my life more than I would choose...Some by choice and some thru others.

Recently my mom's house was broken into, Yes, she's safe.  She was at the gym when it happened.  They got away with mainly sentimental stuff...only thing of true monetary value would have been my grandma's flat screen TV (she's excited to get an upgrade!).  Seems the culprits are working the neighborhood and that means they are watching it! 

So here another fear, being safe and secure in your own home!  The place where you should be the most relaxed and now you have to rethink that.  In this happening to my mom, made me look at what is going on in my house...am I safe?  I'm home alot by myself because of the many jobs my husband works. 

Should I bolt the door and hide from the outside world OR continue to brave what is out there...I think everyone knows what wins!!

But there are many more fears going on in my life...Will I be ok, what will the radiation do to my body...Will I ever be considered truly healthy again.  I already have some of the lovely effects of the radiation starting.  I call the them the radiation runs (I shouldn't have to explain that one) and seems my diet should change..I am back to the plain diet of no fruit, veggies or whole grain...believe it or not that is killing me.

But we now move onto other fears everyone in their life has faced...some are good and bad in my opinion

Fear of God...Fear of Death...Fear of being alone...Fear of being with someone...will someone take care of me...can I take care of someone....when faced with cancer alot of my fears have come to the forefront.  Some pounding on my door and others like a thief breaking in.

Before the start of this new path in my life...one of my biggest fears was making sure my kids were safe.  That I took care of my health and those around me...My husband can attest to that...he does eat much healthier now that I am in his life (the man lost 40 pounds because of it!  Me on same diet...ounces lost).

When we're younger the fears you have to face when looking back don't seem so bad.  What if I put the paperclip in the light socket?  Will the sheet (which is now my cape) allow me to fly off this roof like Superman?  Curfew?!surely mom won't get mad if I am late?  What school to go to after graduation?  Will I graduate? (a more recent one!)  Should I move out or continue to hassle my parents at home.  Will I like the career I have chosen?  Should I marry...should I have kids. 

Fear can stop us from many things we are meant to challenge.  You can be gripped by it and miss what the lesson is.  And I have found most of the lesson is actually conquering that fear...open the door and letting it in. 

Don't let fear stop you...otherwise it will rob you of everything of sentimental value in your life...the monetary means nothing!

Thinking

You know they say it will get you in trouble.  Tomorrow I start treatments.  Part of me knows this will change everything, cancer (I refuse to put a capital for the c...it will never be that strong in my life) already has changed alot about me.  How I view alot of things and judge what is going on...yes, more so than before.

I wish that I could see the future or predict the end of the world (ok, that was funny or even funnier I'm still here?!?!?), but again I'm only human.  Right now I have no patience for anything really.  My brain is overloaded with all the information I've been given and what I have somewhat learned about this disease.  Yes, some fear there and how it will change my physically, emotional and spiritually.

Thinking that I have to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  My husband Dennis always says that I think too much...one of us has to. Everyone is so keen on telling me it will be ok, but having the cancer be as advanced as it was isn't the way it was suppose to be either.  So in someways its hard sometimes to know and accept that I will be ok.

I know the treatments have the chance of making me very tired and where they put the radiation will have this wonderful sunburn....great!not even a tan out of the deal back to the fake tan.  But I will lose hair (yes, its in the one area no one will see but...no costly laser treatments for me!)..slight chance of losing hair on my head and nausea.  Thinking I work my pity party for all its worth...heck I got people who say they will clean my house..make dinner...thinking life might be good for awhile.

Now the even more ironic part of the deal....I was told not to lose OR gain weight...REALLY...ARE THEY KIDDING...so no pressure.  I am one of those people when stressed I lose weight.  The one time in my life I have to stay where I am.  God does have a sense of humor.

So...if the following posts for awhile get a bit cranky...crass or downright bitchy...thinking you may have to just say a prayer and keep reading.  I want to be able to say how it is and why.  If you know me personally you know I don't hold back.  Life is way to short to keep to yourself the truth.  The whole truth and nothing but the truth! What do you think?

Markers

There seems to be many markers we have in our lifetime...turning 13!!!...now you're a teenager.  16..getting a license and bugging your parents to drive a car...any car!  18..You're an adult, well age wise.  (my definition of an adult to my kids was when you paid rent/mortgage, that's how they knew an adult was present...ie:.."WILL there be an adult at the house you're going to?!?").  And voting, yes! you can make a difference!

21!!! woo hoo...you are legal to drink (I do love wine!).  And hopefully the other markers of marriage, births, and graduations follow!

My newest marker, Elijah, my son, ...GRADUATED high school!!!  Those who are close know the struggle both he and I had with getting him thru.  And to all the teachers and especially his counselor, I am sure are glad that he made it.  He's a great son and on his way to becoming an even better adult in this world.  He started working at 16 so he could buy his own vehicles (that was one of my rules..I am a mean mother and I'm sure you noticed the plural...he had many he tried to bring back to life).  But he was determined to drive..school...well something to do to take up time before he went to work.  Sometimes he worked more than 30 hours in a week.  But as for school...it was a struggle...but he was determined to graduate, his grandma had flown out from California to see him, he knew he needed to get "the job done".  I am very proud..and yes RELIEVED!

But now I have another marker in my life or shall I say markers...I have 4 now placed on my body.  I called them tattoos, but come to find out they are called markers.  Its used to line up the radiation equipment or whatever you want to call them.  I will start on Monday and have 30 treatments.  So I am now all "tatted" up.  They are very tiny, so kinda of disappointing.  Heck I wanted a TATTOO...something to say...I'm heading for an adventure another marker to add to my list!

Stages...

The first of many stages in my life that start in always an interesting way.   A few weeks ago when someone asked where I was in life..it would be excited to see both of my children graduating from College & High School...but now I get to go thru something I never thought would enter my world, Stage 1A2...what stage I am for cancer..use to say someday I wanted to be a stage but that wasn't quite what I meant.

I really only wanted to deal with the empty nest..which I am quite ready for...granted part of me is sad I won't see them everyday, hear about their lives and evidently become just a small part of it. But the other part was excited to see what this new stage would bring.

Yesterday my daughter graduated from UMKC!! Degree in English and with honors.  It was a great day for her and for me as a parent of a daughter who does bring me such joy and laughter!  I still can't believe I am old enough to have a daughter who is 22!  A new stage for her and an exit for me.  She no longer needs me as much and I don't want her to, she's a very smart woman and even funnier one!  Heck I taught her all there is about wine, she can't be all bad.

The next upcoming stage is my son graduating from high school...18 and ready for the world.  He is definitely ready for high school to be done.  That boy knows no fear, never has.  Likes to try new things and can fix almost anything with an engine (tells me he likes the challenge). I can't tell you how many beaters (trucks) that have crossed our driveway.  Unlike my daughter who has ventured out on her own, my son has figured out he doesn't like paying rent and hopes to live with us for awhile....another story on that later.

I know we all walk thru stages in our life,but now some have different slants for me.  Seeing my daughter Elizabeth walking across that stage enrobed in her cap and gown with the medal she received for being cum laude around her neck.  Then standing there and seeing that diploma placed in her hands which gives her the keys to learn and see more of the world.  Your heart just leaps to know that you have helped create a woman who will walk thru life determined to get what she wants and achieve what her heart wants. It really makes this mother very proud of what my daughter has achieved and even more excited to see the future unfold for her.  And my son, Elijah towering over my 5'2" frame bending down to give me a hug before leaving or saying I love you before going to bed (yes, he'll probably kill me for saying that) warms my heart.  Seeing him trying to figure out which road to take for his future...and praying he makes the right one but knowing its ok that there is turns in that road.  In all of this, I know I have done my best for them.  And still would give my last breath for them to make it in this world and be what they have been called to be.

Now back to the stage on what I stand right now...Stage 1A2..better than stage 4 of which I am grateful...I'm still in shock at time on the variety of stages that I have been thru since finding my cancer ...called and being told I have a few cancer cells and need to see a specialist...next...going in for surgery to have my cervix removed and then called again (starting to hate calls late in the day) told you need radiation (of which I start the beginning process on Wednesday).  Now center stage...dealing with that fact that I had an actual tumor and now praying it hasn't spread....makes me want to yell....EXIT STAGE LEFT!!!

Disclaimers & Goals

Disclaimers... I have no medical or legal background.  Everything will be from my experience and what I've learned.  When I speak about my doctors they won't be named (Unless I've asked their permission).  I plan on asking questions and seek answers and share them in this blog.  I still have several questions that haven't been answered because either I can't find information or some are not able to be answered.

Goals...I hope to someday look back and see MAYBE that I started something that will help someone with what I've gone thru and make it easier to obtain the info and make their walk easier.  Would I like to see something like the other female cancer has??  Yes...that would be great...but even better for there to be no need because a cure has solved this wonderful walk and prevention/education has been proved to end it. 

The first of many posts I'm sure

I guess in starting this blog I wanted to hopefully help someone else out there....I was told a month ago that I have cancer...well 2 days shy of a month.  Started off simple procedure..remove the polyp..then continued to cancer cells (Dr calls to tell me that I have cells not pre-cancerous but cells)...then removal of cervix to be told that I have a..TUMOR...now onto radiation.

I have CERVICAL cancer...there I said it for the world to see....seems to be an upsetting word.  Some when I tell them what I have whisper it back to me...others cringe in fear or maybe its disgust...some are truly
empathetic for me...and the few truly want to help.  There is friends who have asked what I need from going to appointments with me to cleaning my house...heck might fake true tiredness so I can have a clean house (joking). 

I have no historical background in my family of cancer on either side....and now I am told at 46 that I have cancer...the word we all dread...and getting ready for radiation.

I am blessed with a great network of family and friends.  But from what I understand this will be a test of exactly how much they can hang with a woman who will now soon go thru menopause and radiation.  Like my husband said...(this is in humor) "great, she'll be crazy & cranky!"  Guess that means I will have all 3 Cs...crazy, cranky & cancer...

I have tried different areas to find information and its hard to find.  Considering the statistics of what I have I thought there would be more out there...but alas no...or this blonde doesn't know where to look.

I will continue this adventure online to see where it takes me...and take those who wish thru the stages.

I have a husband who stands by me and hopefully will stay there...even though I heard this can break a marriage up...two kids, girl (22) graduating college tomorrow!!! and a boy (18) graduating high school the following weekend!!

I have a few friends who will hopefully help me get thru this radiation also...going for 5 weeks, 5 days a week for 15 minutes a day...sounds simple til you read the results radiation can cause.  My mom is trying to figure out what she can do to be with me...she lives in California!!

There is fear...there is strength...from what I am told...a tough ol' broad...