Frustrated!!!

Now having completed my 4th week of radiation...people I think assume certain things about me...She must be ok because she looks ok right?....looks can be deceiving.  And must apologize, this is almost a book I have written this time.

Dennis and I went to an American Cancer Society function two Saturdays ago benefiting Hope Lodge in Kansas City and had a great time, but yet I was frustrated.  A gentleman got onstage to discuss Hope Lodge and what it meant to him.  Dennis and I were in the back of the arena watching not only him but others.

This gentleman talked about what Hope Lodge was and how he had to stay there while in treatment in Boston.  He talked about leaving his family, job and support system.  That he had to find a place to stay and go thru treatments alone because family couldn't be there with him.  He spoke on what he thought being by himself in the hotel room ALONE would be like.  I couldn't imagine not having anyone there to say...."I am here for you"..."I am so mad at this cancer for doing this to you!"...or just hold your hand.

But a prayer was answered...Hope Lodge stepped in and told him that there is a Hope Lodge in Boston he could stay at...he didn't have to worry about paying for it...His transportation, food and lodging taken care of...and an even bigger benefit there for him...being around others who are going thru the same thing. 

He was able to vent and share what he was going thru while treatment was going on. Someone to say, we're here for you.  HE WAS NOT ALONE.  He was able to focus on getting thru treatment and venting his frustrations with others.  Someone cooking for him, probably when he barely had the energy to breath.  Someone to pat him on the back to say..."you will get thru this".

This gentleman showed us a small sliver of his heart so we can see what Hope Lodge meant to him and others...now as he talked over what he walked thru, I watched others who were not even listening and going on with their lives and not realizing IT can happen to them in the blink of an eye.  And I realized with much frustration,  I've been both the man on stage and the ones in the audience not paying attention....going on about my life and not listening and dare I say...not caring?!?!

Hope Lodge is funded by donations and there is one in Kansas City.  One day after I'm done with my treatments,  I hope to be one of those volunteers cooking and caring for someone going thru what I went thru.  Hope Lodges are all over the country, so if you can't give money...give your time.  Someone seeing a friendly face or hearing words of caring means much more than money can ever buy.  Take it from me...words and actions make the difference.

After all that I had a talk with hubby...I am tired...in pain...and frustrated.   And I promised to take you all along with me.. So come take my hand and go with me to the land of radiation treatments....sorry too tired to skip or whistle......

Tired...radiation makes you tired.  A tired where you sleep and it doesn't ease up...laying down and doing nothing..I'm still TIRED. Getting tired by just going to the grocery store.  Tired by doing laundry...tired just going about my normal day.  Do I show I am tired?  NO WAY!...we are told not to show others what we're feeling.   After all, this gal is made of strong stock..born in Texas..raised in California and by a midwestern mother...you don't show how you feel, you just keep going...get'er done!

Pain...my hips and back hurt constantly.  The radiation is aimed at three spots..hips, backside and pelvis.  Hits two spots twice...I have a total of 8 minutes of radiation and can't even imagine those going thru it longer and with chemo.  The Dr says the pain in my hips is unusual (he doesn't know me that well) seems mainly men who have radiation from prostrate get this pain.  Dennis says as long as testicles don't drop he's good. And then I have cramps from the radiation hitting my lower end (both sides while not being graphic) at times brings me to my knees and has changed my restroom habits tremendously.  Had to even change my diet...on the fat girl program.  Eat white bread...white potatoes...white rice..No fiber...no fried foods...not alot of fruits or veggies...HELLO...can I get off this ride now?

Frustration...Hell yes...I'm tired and in pain.   Heck I would do alot in one day...not right now....this is not me..WHO is this?  Where did this person come from...Frustrated because my whole life has changed and I didn't get a say in how's it changing.  Who called for a vote for this...NOT ME!!! I don't recall this being an election year.  I want a recount!!!

Frustrated that my body is doing this to me...its rebelling against me.  I need help but HATE asking for it...but yet I want hubby to help without me asking for it...poor guy.  Knowing that I have 3 more weeks of this has made me feel frustrated.  I can't end treatments just because I'm feeling this way...you have to keep going.  This isn't the flu...doesn't stop in a couple of days.  There is light at the end of the tunnel...but its dim right now...or is it a a TRAIN!!!

Frustration because the human part of me needs to know people are out there for me..and then I feel selfish because of that need.  But yet I need to know they are there for me to keep going on this track.  Because knowing people are praying and cheering for you really does mean alot (yes, I can say that now...another fear conquered). Tells me that I'm not alone, but also shows me that you are there with me.  And funny thing we need this for the spiritual side of us... but all of this said and the fact that I still need this...leads me to frustration.

People assume I am ok because they don't see the outward signs of it. Yes, I assumed I would get out of this without any side effects.  Alot of assumptions as you can tell.  Dennis assumed I was handling it ok, because I looked ok and didn't voice everything I was feeling or even clue him into the fact that I'm tired...in pain and I NEED HELP...but we all know how assumptions work!!!

In the past I assumed alot of things.  That people should act differently for certain illnesses and situations. Because after all I would act that way why aren't they acting the way I would?

NO MORE...I will from this point forward (and always try to remember, hopefully) when someone is going thru anything I will ask how they are and can I help(and mean it!)....better to have asked "how is it going?" and be prepared to help, cheer as needed or even being the outlet of frustration.....cause if you don't ask.....that person will assume you don't care...or at least this gal assumes that.

I think of all the people in my life who I know have gone thru a variety of things and I never stopped to ask, send an email or even text to say..."HOW ARE YOU DOING?" "DO you need any help?"  And step in if its needed (think some of us have a fear that if we ask, we won't know how to respond or what if we say the wrong thing?....Another fear to conquer?).

Granted we're all busy (I've been one of those...busy with my life) Maybe it was fear on my part back then or even rejection or maybe I might get what they have?  Who knows?!?!  But in the end, it will be that friend who by sending that simple text..."Hey, thinking about you today"  "Hope you're doing ok!!!"  Might change how they are dealing with their frustrations and give them that extra boost to get thru that very minute of frustration and actually seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and not the train.